Day 633
Am I happy I'm a sex addict? Hell no, but I know recovering sex addicts that claim they are happy about it. Am I happy that I'm a better, stronger person today than I was before I began recovery in the 12 Steps? Hell yes. I am well aware that there is a break in logic there, but I no longer have to be perfect in my reasoning about everything. Sometimes true things just don't add up. Theologically, I am committed to being thankful to God for all the times he has been bountiful in His blessings to me. How then can I be not grateful for the times He chooses to let the consequences of my actions or even other people's actions play out in painful, terrible ways? If, in His wisdom, God performs a miracle that happens to benefit me while serving His purpose, how arrogant am I to think the lack of my version of blessings on me is not also part of that same wisdom? Did God make me a sex addict? I don't think so. That's on me, and whatever evil has touched me to escort me into that darkness. But with all the prayers and pleas to Him to release me from this compulsion, He didn't do that, either; at least, not all at once. So, where is that line between God's miracle in my sobriety and His choosing to let me suffer in so many ways for so long? I have no idea, but I think both things are true. The answer lies somewhere in the discussion of how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. What does it matter? I am where I am today, and that is all that I have to take with me into tomorrow. If I am supposed to be happy about any of this, I'll get there, but I'm not going to act like it's true with me today just because I want it to be, or because I think it should be. I do have a lot of new friends that know my pain, my story, and my recovery journey, and they are amazing people. I wouldn't know any of them if it were not for this damn disease. That's close to finding a reason to be thankful for it. But alas, I see no cigar, not today.
–JR
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