Day 637
I am suddenly thankful for a technology that contributed to my acting out and my downfall. Computers and smartphones were evil incarnate for me for a period of my life. No matter the form of acting out, they were at the center of the arrangements, the stimulation, or the research into what else I could do. For three weeks now, I've not seen a fellow addict in person due to COVID-19. But I've seen or heard nearly everyone in my regular meetings through the blessing of video conferences and telemeetings. Someone even made the point that we were using the same tool to stay sober that most of us used to get not sober. There were a lot of digitally nodding heads, and the sound of laughter delayed by 1.5 streaming seconds. It's a good reminder that those things we blame for our addiction are nothing more than roads we used to get to where our addict wants to go. However, surely that doesn't apply to the people that we want to blame for our acting out. Can the anger and false motives I've attached to folks in my life somehow be turned to healthy and even supportive relationships? To continue the metaphor, it pretty much depends on which buttons we push — on the keyboard or in the hearts of people — as to whether we will find friend or foe. The smartphone is stupid; it can only hurt us if we choose stupidity over sobriety. If there is someone in my life that still hurts me, either through memories or daily interactions, it is because I let them. I choose to accept a moment of hurt instead of standing on a few moments of conflict, even though I've learned that the one moment will repeat over and over, and the few moments will often lead to an end, or a new beginning. When I am strong, I am willing to accept that I bear much of the responsibility for my actions. When I am weak or afraid, it is incredible how little responsibility I choose to take.
– JR
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