Day 277
Catching myself in the early stages of acting out is critical to my sobriety; it is my challenge and fear. I know I'm not going to just one day decide to fall off the wagon, to visit a massage parlor, or pursue an inappropriate relationship with another woman. I won't even decide to engulf myself in the fantasy life. But it's those damn slippery slopes that scare me. Thoughts still slip in without warning, and the more I beat them back, the more I grow, but the idea that one may take on a life of its own is sobering. Even an erotic dream is a threat to me. I recently, seemingly consciously, interrupted a deep sleep dream and woke up screaming, "no, no, no." I got up in the middle of the night to walk it off and 'break' the dream connection before going back to sleep, but I fear the day I don't wake up in time, and what that will do to my thinking when I do wake up. Sleep may be a 'safe place' to exorcise such thoughts, but it does not feel safe to me.
–JR
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