Day 283
Just because you are paranoid, it doesn’t mean that someone is not out to get you!
In my darkest days, I was ever-present of this thought:
“I know this is wrong, and I know something is wrong with me that I can’t stop, but so what?”
Because I knew it was wrong, I should have been able to stop. Full stop!
That failure to do what I knew was right was contradictory to everything I’d ever learned about overcoming sin. All I had to do was ‘give it to God,’ and I would receive the power to stop, or He would otherwise take this evil from my life. So after years of fighting this battle alone, my conclusion was that this must be the real me, so why not stop fighting it. I thank God that He did not let me go as easily as I was willing to let him go. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I really wanted to stop and that I really could not, that I was able to ask for help. I have learned a new appreciation for how God, or my Higher Power, uses community — created by Him — for this purpose. It is in fellowship that we are surrounded for surrender, and these experiences become part of the very miracles of strength that we spent so many prayers begging for as if recovery was a Christmas toy.
–JR
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