Day 654
I am not a big fan of online Step meetings, especially the call-ins; at least the video versions have some of the subtleties available in facial reactions and expressions. That said, they are better than nothing. Let me be clear; they are WAY better than nothing. Maybe I should have said that I don't love the online meetings as much as I love the in-person gatherings. I think that's more accurate, and it's also weird because I don't really want to love any of those meetings. But I do. Since the COVID-19 lockdown began four to forty weeks ago (I'm losing track of time), the online meetings are the only kind that has been available to me, and I'm very thankful for them. One of the aspects that I like less than the in-person experience is the ability to move into smaller groups to end the meetings with personal check-ins, something that's been challenging to do, and completely lacking in the ones I've been in over the past several weeks. This morning's meeting included one of those random ah-ha moments that have been a regular part of my recovery. The people running today's gathering figured out how to use Zoom for three- to four-person breakouts, where we can recite our addiction manifestations and check-in about our lives and recovery over the past few days. I was the last of the guys in my group to talk. As I listened to each of them, I found myself reviewing my addictive behaviors and playing word games to lessen the horrendous sound of my misdeeds, as if no one had ever heard them before. I seemed to be trying to 'flatten the curve' of my inner circle behaviors in an effort to not sound so bad in front of guys that don't judge how bad I sound. Working my image has gotten me into a lot of trouble in my life. It's caused me to live in little lies and to deny my weaknesses, especially to myself. It has fed my addiction, and gotten in the way of recovery. This morning, I gained new insight into the value of regularly repeating the worst of my deeds. I'm not sure whether the value is as simple as being reminded of how far I've come, or the humility that comes with confession, or some other possible benefit, but I'm confident I needed to do that. My opinion of online meetings has gone up. Like so much of the program, we'll keep working the problem and finding answers from our successes as well as our failures.
–JR
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