Day 401
It is becoming clear to me that my slide into sexual acting-out was accompanied by an opposite and equal slide away from my spirituality. Oddly, I didn't move away from God — or at least I was confident that He was not moving away from me — but I was letting go of the relationship between myself and the supernatural.
My consciousness was entirely on the physical, but it seems likely that even that was a search for something unphysical to fill the holes created by my addictive actions. It turned so quickly into a self-feeding starvation and a death spiral through the vacuum of self-focus. I did not decide to return to spirituality as a singular decision, but it is happening as I open my heart through recovery. And I am thankful for that.
My soul does not seem to be returning to the same form as before; there is still a lot to explore in this restoration of that realm. Still, it seems more genuine than ever with a sincere desire to be led wherever my Higher Power wants to take me, and a lot less of trying to get to where everyone tells me God wants me to go.
–JR
I am not done changing
Out on the run, changing
I may be old and I may be young
But I am not done changing
–John Mayer, ”Changing"
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