Day 767
As a sex addict in recovery, I am a small part of a greater good, and more aware than ever of how small I am in the calculus of the world. At the same time, recovery tells me that I am an individual worthy of love, and that I do not deserve the too-familiar overwhelming feelings of shame and insignificance. I am aware as never before that I have a Higher Power who cares for me as I am, which is very different than my need to prove my worthiness of anyone's love through perfection and accomplishment.
I have moments when this one-day-at-a-time mentality excites me about life. I see the possibilities in simplicities that I used to view as failures, and I feel like I've got a real chance of experiencing life in ways that are full and more satisfying.
I have moments when my fear of relapse, the pull of my middle circle, and the memories of what I've done block out the sun.
There was a time when I was happy to have hope that I could get to a point where my good moments were more frequent than those bad moments, and it wasn't that long ago. Now I dare to acknowledge that the positives in my life are more numerous and substantive than the darknesses that chased me in the shadows. That's incredible to recognize.
I am not healed. I am an addict and probably will always be an addict. A person can be in life-long remission from cancer, and they are known as a survivor. A murderer who never kills again is always a murderer. Because of my past bad acts, I will always be an addict, an adulterer, and a liar of epic proportions.
There was a time when the above realizations made me so depressed that I didn't want to go on. Today I take strength from the progress and humility from the history. Today, I am pleased to be where I am, and I am almost pleased to be the man I am. I have a way to go with being happy about who I am, but I'm getting closer, and I'm getting there without running from who I was.
Yes, that's confusing me, too, but every word of it sounds exactly right. I can't wait to see how it feels tomorrow.
–JR
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