Day 771
When did that happen? When did it become more natural to think of the good things in my life than the hurtful deeds and resentments?
I'm sure I am not the only sex addict that thinks ahead to what he's going to say during check-in. Sometimes I start that process while driving to a meeting or setting up for an online session. Sometimes it starts while others are checking-in. Sometimes I begin the meeting with my talking points ready to go and then change them all based on what happens and what I hear during the meeting and the shares of other guys.
Recalling how a sneaky little memory had blown up into a fantasy that caused me to isolate or mistreat my wife was always so fresh that it was a good go-to for sharing. Experiencing new moments of anger over what was done to me or shame at what I did to others was another tried-and-true bit of experience, strength, and hope that I could go to because it was always there. On the other hand, trying to remember a positive milestone that represented progress in my recovery was always more of a challenge. The good times were often shared more as a non-negative than something good, as in all the times I lied during the past week and then corrected my lies much quicker than I used to. That's sort of like complimenting your date that she doesn't sweat much for a fat girl.
During last night's check-in, after a great discussion around the topic of doing the right things for the right reasons, I found myself struggling to think of something I was struggling with. Several good things had happened this past week, and I didn't want only to share those because that would make me sound like I thought I was better than others. Pretty quickly, I was able to put that stupid thinking back on the backs of the hearers, and then simply reported what I was thinking, that the balance between good and evil thoughts seems to have shifted to the positive. It has been that way for a few weeks, but the discussion during last night's meeting had somehow brought that to my conscience.
Within minutes of the meeting's close, I received a text from one of the fellows that simply said,
"Loved what you said about... thinking about the good things more than the bad😁 . Not sure when that happened, but it did.... I feel the same way, brother!"
That text is another reminder that no matter what phase of recovery or addiction we are plowing through, the chances are good that someone else in a 12 Step meeting is muddling through the same space, or a has been there before.
Keep coming back, because it works, if you work it, because you're worth it; whoo-haaa!
–JR
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