Day 408
Even now, I am uncertain about the line between the man I portrayed and the struggling addict I was. In the early days of recovery, I could see a bright boundary between the two, but that was more a comparison of realities than an analysis of the real from the imagined.
I find I am less enamored with defining these conflicts than I was, partly because so many memories of the personified man are blurring away as recovery brings healing and helps me look at today instead of days lost. And in part, because I am weary of trying to figure out such things.
How I got here is important and worth the difficult days of facing down those old demons, but staying here — sober — is more important, so I choose to look backward under the tutelage of those who have made this journey before and to learn from them about the necessary balances. I am content allowing the painting of my past life to remain on the canvas and even allow some of the textures to show through. But I am more able to enjoy the new colors and new subjects as the hues of this new life take form and cast the old life into the illusions of the past.
–JR
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