Day 781
Flipping through the pages of my journal, I find several instances where a casual peruser could take a day out of context and presume that I am mad at God or the Church or individual church leaders for my sexual addiction. I hope those references would rather be seen as part of a broader, healthier landscape by a regular reader. It is nonetheless timely for me to clarify this dichotomy to myself.
I am not aware of being angry at anyone for any of my addiction issues. However, I am aware that, for most of my life, I had denied being angry at anyone. The truth is that I was mad as hell and just stuffing all that bad-boy emotion into the little coin pouch in the right pocket of my Levi's. So I'll leave open the possibility of unresolved conflict across the board, especially in those areas where I deny it the most.
That said, I believe I am like so many other addicts that I've met in 12 Step meetings that have redefined their religious relationships in meaningful, spiritual newness. I believe those changes have been honored by a Higher Power that loves those who seek Him, as well as those who once sought Him, and those who still resist Him for whatever reason.
I marvel at the fellows who describe the pain caused them by faith leaders and members who only apply grace to the socially acceptable sins, but have still found new roles and realities in their churches and relationships. Most of them speak of their churches and church families with the newness of rebirth and the humility that only grace and gratitude can offer.
Yes, there are those in recovery who call themselves atheists or agnostics in the sense of believing in a personified deity. Yes, some still struggle with particular harm done to them by individuals and institutions. But this is a linear program that stretches across the rest of our lives, and God finds us (or we find Him) at various places along that continuum. I believe that God has ordained the worship communities as hospitals for healings, not retreats for religiosity.
From the early church's struggle to set the boundaries of scripture, to the crusades for control of the Holy Land, to the Moral Majority's pursuit of political position, the Church has been abused by those in pursuit of earthly power. When that happens, when the focus is on the mortal and the carnal, a church can become the abuser. There are too many scars over the centuries that have surely made heaven grieve over the brokenness of individuals and communities.
All of that is just to say this: I believe that God has put us individually in positions to serve each other and to reach out to others that need serving. That need exists in the churches as well as in the streets and shadows. The truth of the Church, of those who seek God and His mercies, cannot be harmed by those who would use it for their selfish ambitions. And like it or not, I believe the communities of 12 Step programs are a functioning example of the care and caring that was intended for the church, and in that respect is an outreach of the Church (with a big 'C').
My addiction may be biochemical; I get that. I also believe that a big part of my recovery choices are spiritual as my will struggles against that which would do me harm and separate me from a knowledge of the love that my Higher Power has for me. I am encouraged by my fellow addicts that have modeled the road from resentment and debauchery to humility and recovery.
I am grateful to my Higher Power that continues to draw me.
God on high, hear my prayer
Take me now to thy care
Where You are, let me be
–Jean Valjean, “Les Miserables”
Comments