Day 784
Hugging trees is not my thing but I don't mind tree-huggers as long as they don't require me to be one. I did start recycling a few years ago, but only because my garbage service gave me an extra container with a yellow lid to put by the curb; seemed more like a two-for-one deal, so now I recycle our household trash...as long as it fits in the yellow-top conscience-clearer.
My environmentalism has been limited to a few efforts to keep caves pristine (because I love spelunking), celebrating clean-air initiatives (because I like breathing), and preferring rivers without raw sewage (because I don't like shit in my water). I don't think that's enough to win me any Green Guy of the year awards.
That said, the meditation book that I read each day just slapped me upside the head. Again. I'm not committing to dressing up trees on Earth day, but I am rethinking the role of my non-greening mentality to consider how it may influence my addiction.
Whaaaaaat? Stretching it out again, are we?
Seriously. As a sex addict, I am not just the center of my universe; the expanse is here to serve me. I smell a little bit of that attitude in my traditional view that resources are here for our pleasure and there are enough of them to last most of us most of our lives. Seems sufficient. But then this from today's reading:
"My Higher Power’s creations, including me, are not here for me to use or abuse. Having conscious contact with God helps prevent me from acting out and helps me see this moment as the miracle and the gift that it truly is."**
This may not qualify as an 'ah-ha' moment for everyone, but that one little phrase jumped out at me, and it hurt. I know in my mind and heart that God's creations, including me
"...are not here for me to use or abuse."
That's absurd. Of course, I know that. I also know that this observation describes the opposite of my mental gymnastics with nearly every woman that has crossed my path for most of my life. For decades I never touched anyone inappropriately so who was I hurting with my little mind games and huge fantasies? Then I started touching and being touched, but it was all consensual and non-abusive, or at least I didn't let myself think about those possibilities. But the truth is, I am probably guilty of taking advantage of at least a few victims of sex trafficking, and I now understand how I took emotional as well as physical advantage of seemingly willing women who were most likely caught in tough places in their lives. And I convinced myself I was helping all of them, because that's the kind of guy I am.
Is my view of the world's resources a lot different? They are right here in front of me and they are enticing me to enjoy them, and use them, and abuse them. No extra charge.
Then one day we wake up and realize how polluted our lives are, the role we've played in damaging our world, and how many people now live worse lives because of our lack of sense and sensitivity to another's needs. And that's just from the sex addiction activities.
Grant me the wisdom to see what is true, the courage to offer help in the right places, and the strength to recognize my defects and how they can hurt everything I care about for generations.
That's a nice metaphorical tree I'm trying to get my arms around.
–JR
**Sex Addicts Anonymous
Voices of Recovery
Health Communications Inc
Kindle Edition.
Loving a free and feeling spirit.
Hugging a tree when you get near it.
Digging the snow and the rain and the bright sunshine.
I'm draggin' the line (draggin the line).
–Tommy James & the Shondells, “Dragin' The Line”
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