Day 523
As a person who also struggles with clinical depression, the 'task' of developing positive feelings is particularly tricky. When I do create a positive experience with intentionality, it's a wonderful moment and one that I want to capture in my replay library. But when I can't, when the tricks don't work, it seems to have a nearly equal and opposite negative impact. I blame myself and my broken brain for being a naysayer and bringing other people down.
I would give anything to be a perpetually positive influence in every room and for my family, but I don't have enough of what that takes, at least not yet. I am working on rejecting these feelings and reactions in the same way I've had success rejecting the fantasies of my addiction (so far).
It makes no sense to me that it is harder to be positive than it is to be sober. I reject that it has to be this way and will continue working on my defects with a belief that I can overcome a fundamental pessimism about life. That is my belief, so it's time I learn to act like it.
–JR
I must insist
On being a pessimist
I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind
I'm gettin' pissed
I'm a worthless pessimist
I'm a loner in a claustrophobic mind
–Green Day, ”Armatage Shanks"
Comments