Day 163 of Sobriety (since my last acting-out)
Note: This is my first journal entry as a sex addict. I have no idea whether I'll be able to continue doing this daily, but it seems important to try. My plan is to read a daily devotion from the book Answers in the Heart, or something similar, and then let my Higher Power lead my thoughts and just write with limited self-editing. This is pretty scary for me, but here goes...
I can see where the black and white morality that I embraced growing up could protect me from acting on my darker inclinations. That same world view also increased the intensity of those inclinations in my worlds of fantasy where I came to "allow" my indulgences to thrive in thought. It seemed to be a safe place.
As my work required me to travel to and through other countries about twenty years ago, I became more and more aware of the real world's multi-cultural realities. I was hearing different answers to life questions that were at least worthy of consideration.
As my faith struggled to balance itself, the bright lines between my fantasies and moralities also dimmed. I began taking chances — philosophically, theologically, politically, and even morally. I found balance in healthy new ideas and expressions, but sexually I leaned too far over the rail.
I took steps I should not have taken and quickly found myself in places that I could not control or did not want to control. By the time I was fighting for re-grounding, I felt powerless and out of hope. Everything I did seemed to open more doors to rooms I did not want to enter, but I kept crossing new thresholds, and everything appeared to be feeding this 'new me.'
I would do something legitimately good for someone, and a door to another sexual experience would swing open. I would do my job and create solid moments for the ministry I was leading, and would turn around innocently to find a new invitation where I was not looking for one. I went from consciously placing myself in dangerous situations for the mere thrill of the possibilities to having to run from opportunities and dangers that appeared without warning.
But I did not run. I would stare into the eyes of the temptations and say, "I'm here if you want me." I stopped resisting. I remember feeling my essence fading into nothingness and wondering what this new me was going to be. I pondered how long it would continue until this new version of myself ceased to exist, taking the remnants of the old me into destruction.
–JR
*–Anonymous. Answers in the Heart:
Daily Meditations For Men And Women
Recovering From Sex Addiction
(Hazelden Meditations Book 1).
Hazelden Publishing. Kindle Edition.
Starting over
Is a beautiful thing
You find out who you are through the pain
This is where you fall
This is when you get up
It's where it all begins
Where it all begins
–Hunter Hayes, ”Where It All Begins"
Comments