Day 230
Continuing consequences make me realize how far I am from wherever I’m going. They make me question my true identity and who I am becoming.
My best friend for the first half of my life made it clear to me last night that he never wants to see me or hear from me again. Many years ago, I was inappropriate with his wife as his marriage was falling apart. He never blamed me for his failed marriage and told me many times he forgave me for that season of stupidity so long ago. Then, a few days before I disclosed my recent secrets to my wife 182 days ago, I shared with him about my ’problem’ — but not calling it an addiction. I thought he would be at least non-judgmental because of his own behaviors that led to his marriage breaking up. Or at least what his wife had told me he had done. We cried and hugged and I left thinking our long road to reconciliation had taken a big step forward.
Apparently all I did that evening was to trigger him into a rush of memories, anger, and emotions he could not deal with. I’ve tried reaching out several times since then but soon learned he had blocked me from all avenues. This week I went through a mutual friend to reach him, asking for one more conversation. His response was, “...stop trying to contact me. The answer will always be no!”
This twist is devastating to me in a way I cannot yet explain. So, is it time I learn about choosing friends who appreciate and love themselves — as well as others — who need grace, or is this just another in a line of consequences that can disrupt and disappoint and break my heart?
–JR
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