Day 232
Where did I learn that perfection belongs in a relationship? As I process and examine my lying nature going back to childhood, I conclude that nearly every example I can recall was about protecting my 'perfect' image, or at least not exposing my imperfections, to people close to me, as well as imperfect strangers.
I can remember a few situations where I told a fib to avoid some minor consequence, but even that was more about the consequences to my persona than any actual pain or cost from the infraction. But knowing that and living it out differently is difficult. Even now, I waver back and forth between keeping my secret from extended family and friends and just announcing my addiction to the world so I won't feel like a liar anymore. I'm guessing neither option is the best, so again I seek balance, an honesty-based balance, even if that is an out-of-balance net reality!
The truth is, I still don't think in terms of people loving me as I am; pretty sure most people would hate me if they knew what I've done, from my acting out to the way I defended myself and opened the door to disaster.
Years ago, I chose not to have an opinion about trusting my wife. It made the day to day much more comfortable, but it hardened my heart against her. I thought I was protecting myself, but I wasn't. I did that, and now I see her doing it. How can she not? I deserve what she is doing, but she does not and did not. I wish I could protect her from doing what I did to myself, and to us, but I think only she can avoid choosing that.
Day 232 is sad and lonely. It's hard knowing I've come so far and yet have so far to go. It also seems stupidly obvious that I cannot measure the distance I have yet to travel according to where I've been; I'm going someplace new, and I have no idea how far is the journey. So this is merely one more step, one more day in that direction. A day in which I will learn about being sober through sadness, without slipping.
–JR
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