Day 226
A Spanish proverb sums it up: I don’t want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap.
Those wise words are similar to the gut-level struggle I felt during my acting out; I did not want to do what I was doing, but that damn trap had me by the tail, so I just kept chasing the cheese and hoping for a different result.
Then I reached the place where I was willing to cut off my tail to be free, or just accept that this cheese is all I will ever have for the rest of my life. I would have cut off more than my tail to be free; something had to die for me to live. I’m thankful that — as awful as it has been — my pain is less than it could have been, but I still would have accepted more consequences personally to avoid what I’ve done to others. Sadly, that option no longer exists.
It was a lesson painfully learned. Unfortunately, others in this trap will never understand until they’ve also gone too far, and their only way out is self-destruction or the rock-bottom of being the person that cuts loved-ones to the heart. Or both.
–JR
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