Day 227
If I don't trust people, or if I have had issues with that in the past, I'm not aware of it (with few exceptions). George Eliot said,
"What loneliness is more lonely than distrust?"
When I read that, my immediate reaction is about the hell of being not trusted.
Knowing that you have entirely earned people's LACK of trust in you is an exercise in humility and patience that I would never have imagined being able to survive even this long. Accepting the consequences of my behavior without becoming angry — or maybe worse — is a tight-rope walk with little margin of error.
I know that I can now be trusted, but I am still not worthy of trust. That is fucking lonely.
Last night I attended a Step Study workshop for the first time. My introduction to (ironically) 12 strangers, 12 other sex addicts, was listening to Kevin A give his First Step to the group. It was difficult hearing my pain, my story, my questions all being given voice by someone else. It was compelling. This additional meeting is a 12-month commitment. I will be part of this group once a week as well as working on developing my personal program a few hours a week on my own or with my sponsor. I'm starting about six weeks late joining this workshop, so I'm already a bit behind, but the idea of this being a pretty big part of my life for the next year is daunting. It is also a considerable relief to be surrounded by guys that don't have to have opinions about my having betrayed them, or judging me for what I've done.
I am a little less lonely today.
–JR
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