Day 550
There is a fine line between releasing the uncontrollables in my life to my Higher Power, and just not working on problems. That line is becoming more evident to me over time, but when I do not allow anxieties of the past to drive me in the present, it sometimes feels like I'm just shirking responsibilities.
At today's 12 Step meeting, I received my 18-month coin; it still surprises me how much that means to me. I know how hard I've worked on sobriety and recovery, and I have a growing sense of how much I have changed at some foundational levels. But I am also facing unemployment in three weeks, partially as a result of my acting out, and perhaps wholly as a result of my addiction.
This road is filled with off-ramps into Shameville and Rest Areas with isolation traps. There is also the opportunity to weigh the things I can control, acknowledge the areas where I need to work harder, and accept that my Higher Power has a role in what happens next.
There is a balance in all that which will only be measured in hindsight. But there is also an opportunity for old thinking, old fears, and old patterns that are measured in failure and pain; I will not return there, not today.
–JR
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