Day 193
The idea that I should be able to talk about sex in open and positive ways is pretty foreign to me. It seems to be a subject better suited for a later and more advanced stage of recovery. Maybe even a graduate course. Just hearing my fellow addicts talking about their objectifications and acting out with pornography took some getting used to, and getting out of my comfort zone.
Before my acting out, talking about sex was either taboo or explicitly part of the arousal dance, and even then was probably internalized as 'dirty.'
I have tried to make little jokes or puns about sex since my disclosure, but I almost always feel guilty about it, and it is often not well-received. But there is another part of me that understands and welcomes the subject as a needed element of healthy humor in our lives. And surely there is a positive place for sexual flirtations and fore-play.
There must be a way and a place for something so important to exist outside our most private and intimate places. I've not lived in this balance, but I would like to.
–JR
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