Day 202
What is the origin of my addiction? Is it bad choices out of control? Maybe it's from bad experiences as a child. Is it DNA?
The idea that my addiction is systemic in my family is not evident to me. I struggled with fantasies when my kids were young and thought it was sick, but unfortunately typical. While I'm learning more about other family members' private struggles, none of this atypical history has been in the open until my own disclosures were made. Would knowledge of these things have been helpful in the early months and years of my struggling with sexually addictive behaviors? I wish I knew.
Concerns about my compulsions spilling over into the lives of my children are ever-present and periodically urgent. Maybe my issues are evidence of a predilection in them for abusing self-medications when life gets tough. The possibilities notwithstanding, time may be a better judge of these resentment-causing incidents than what I can see right now. I'm guessing that the previous generation(s) thought the same thing.
It is difficult to resist the urge to puke all that I've learned all over people I know who may need it. I must trust my Higher Power to make me aware of those moments, as opposed to forcing people to hear what they are not ready to understand.
–JR
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