Day 191
Somewhere along the way of the past several years, I lost sight of — or stopped caring to see — the difference between a kind smile or light remark and a step toward flirtation. Being the guy with the humorous line that makes people laugh and makes me likable was a foundational part of who I've been, but as recovery progresses, it feels wrong that I need to suppress that instinctive self. It feels like denying who I am at my core is the price I must pay to become someone that is transparently trustworthy and can demonstrate an ability to change.
I'm sure there's a balance out there, but it eludes me right now. It is challenging to ask myself whether those behaviors are part of the acting-out rituals, and if they are, how long have I been using that persona for ill-gotten gains. I don't believe that it has all been inappropriate, but I have to ask, and that is frightening in itself.
–JR
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