Day 740
When I decided that my sexploit days had to stop, I thought it was the beginning of the end of everything from my reputation to my present to my future and back. All I would have left would be the shell of a man ravaged by a disease that is more the brunt of jokes than it is an understood societal problem. I pictured myself living in a homeless shelter (if I was lucky) and hanging around other despicables like me until death would, at last, put an end to my worthlessness. I had to see that scenario and believe that it would be sufficient for me; otherwise, there was no point in trying to stop or seek help. I was lighting a match in a forest of relations with no ability to control how many trees would be turned to ashes in the dirt.
It's odd to say that that was my 'rock bottom' because I have been fortunate to be in sober recovery for a couple of years with more blessings in my life than I had before. Some of my friends in the program have had to endure jail, divorce, public shame, and homelessness as their bottoms, while I just had to imagine it.
I could make the case that none of us sex addicts deserve what we get in recovery. Those like me have committed wrongs against family, friends, and strangers, and still get to have a relatively normal life. I deserve much less.
Those with public, humiliating experiences doled out by a system that is quick to over-punish any class of wrongdoers that do not have adequate advocacy, often deserve much more kindness and mercy than a vindictive society can muster.
But here we all are, leaning on each other as a community of wounded and broken people trying hard to be better in all aspects of our lives.
One of the most surprising things to me in this community of sex addicts has been seeing the level of accomplishment that many, if not most, of these folks have managed once they found recovery. I turned off any thoughts about a positive future when I started efforts toward sobriety because I didn't think 'positive' would be an option, and it's not been easy getting that switch flipped back to the on position, but I'm working on it.
On the timeline of recovery from sexual addiction, I guess I'm still new at this. Some of those who have realized new jobs, new businesses, or new families in sobriety often talk about the number of years it took to manage their addictions with any confidence, and before their ability to dream and create returned, sometimes for the first time.
I do realize that I may still have more consequences from my behaviors to deal with, but it is way beyond my control at this point. I am thankful for the peace I have today, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober, including surrendering to my Higher Power and making better good decisions.
–JR
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