Day 380
It has been difficult for me to realize how clinical I have been in my responses to pain. Whether it's the presumed result of some horrid psychology harm or a burp in my brain, my triggers are very consistent with those of others who identify as sex addicts, regardless of the details of their stories. Whether we're talking about the perceived reaction when sexual advances are unwelcome, or even just responding to someone criticizing my driving, my trigger is way too sensitive, but consistent.
This dilemma is particularly difficult to face when we have convinced ourselves at an early age that we are not an angry person, probably because everyone knows that good people do not get angry at people they love. But now I'm learning that calling anger by another name creates no change in the anger; it's still there.
Reacting to my anger with popular psychology terms — like passive aggressiveness — does not change the fact that my anger is showing. Just today, I caught myself spiraling in that vortex of insanity, and I told myself to stop and to address my feelings, and to own them.
I cannot use this recovery as an excuse to say what's on my mind just because I have a right to do that; I still must be wise and patient with myself and with others so that actual change can come as a result, not just another way to mask the anger.
–JR
For a heart strained in anger grows weak and grows bitter.
You become your own prisoner as you watch yourself sit there
Wrapped up in a trap of your very own
Chain of sorrow
–Bon Iver, ”Bruised Orange"
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