Day 747
I think it was Mark Twain that said,
“Don’t let your boy’s schooling interfere with his education.”
Sometimes I think I have to be reminded not to let my recovery get in the way of my sobriety.
That is a knock on neither recovery nor sobriety; it is merely a comment on my mind’s ability to move in multiple directions, often at the same time. I am not claiming that as a positive attribute, and I am trying to get it under control by working on my focus. The truth is, I do not want to not wander around in the appropriate spaces of my mind, but I am learning a bit of discipline to focus on one thing at a time, or at least one primary thing at a time.
A former boss used to tell his employees that we could only fix one problem at a time. I always thought that was absurd. I still think it has more to do with his ability to laser focus on the most significant problem at hand.
However, taking pride in working on more than one thing at a time does not mean it is the preferred way of living. I am so tired of comparing my ways to the ways of others in terms of good vs. bad or even better vs. best. There are enough black and white examples of my misdeeds and hurtful acts to last a lifetime. But just because I did some stupid stuff, I cannot continue to convict all my mental processes with judgments of evil. The overwhelming majority of how I spend my mental energies is just what it is; we are all unique, and I have to stop believing that all my ways are wrong because I am an addict. It does not always help my recovery to spend so much time analyzing the minutia of every thought in the context of my bad acts. There is a balance to be had, and I’m still not on the right side of that, but I’m making progress, and it feels good.
I have done good in my life and will do more good before I’m done. I’ll also make more mistakes. I hope my future mistakes will be the human kind, not caused by anything more than the random plan that didn’t work out or even the calculation that was wrong.
I’ve spent a lot of productive time reading books and going to meetings to learn more about my disease. I do not regret a minute of doing that. But even that needs more balance toward living life.
Maybe I’m dreaming. Perhaps I have to live here in this recovery half-way house to stay sober. If so, it will be worth the price. But there is also a price to be paid in doing that; I’m trying to be smart, finding that sweet spot where I remain sober, help others who need sobriety, and do that without making everyone around me live my recovery.
–JR
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