Day 748
I don't know if I will ever run again. The importance of taking one step at a time has become internalized, and while that does not preclude running one step at a time, the inference is that I'll be walking for at least a while longer. That is also my intention.
For someone that has never really been a big fan of running, my hindsight seems to be full of sprinting through my ambitions and running from my demons. Ironically, I seem better able to keep a safe distance between the sprites of my sexual addiction and myself by walking.
The thing about running is that you can never do it fast enough, not in the competitive environment that keeps us distracted from our defects. Sure, I can run quick enough to win a race, but there is always that world- or Olympic-record daring me to run one step faster next time. Some people believe that this is a good way to live, always chasing the next big win or working to stay just enough ahead of our consequences to feel like we're successful at something.
I don't know why I've been that way; it was never who I wanted to be. I'm a homebody, and I like long walks in the woods or just sitting on a mountain watching the sunsets. I've sacrificed too many of those moments at the altar of accomplishment so people will see me as special, or at least not lazy. In recovery, I am discovering the present. The truth is, I'm a little concerned about liking the slowed-down life a little too much. To be specific, I mean I may be loving it too much in terms of being able to monetize my existence and put food on the table for my family.
Which is the greater luxury, having the time to enjoy the present, or having the money to enjoy the present in a new car? Motivational books tell me to look for the AND rather than the OR. I get that it's about balance, but the goal should not be driven by the shame of my mistakes and the fears of my disappointing the future.
So I'll work on that a little today, and if I'm so blessed to have the opportunity, I'll work on it a bit more tomorrow. Somewhere there is a line between self-centeredness and self-care. Still looking.
–JR
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