Day 387
For as long as I can remember, never disappointing anyone was always the driving force in my day-to-day life. Being perfect was not nearly as important as not getting caught, but as my persona grew as a good child, and then a good man, it was often difficult to separate the difference, even though I’ve always known the evils of my mind.
Even the ‘little’ evils of my isolated self would fall into some box and not be part of me — until the next time — as long as I didn’t get caught. So lying became second nature to explain what I was doing or where I’d been during these imperfect side trips. When I started working at recovery, I did so with the expectation that this was a defect that I would have to learn to deal with; I could not imagine another way of thinking or another way of being.
Now I have seen some of these things for what they are, and I am learning to forgive myself and even to realize I may not need forgiveness for what I do, as long as I’m honest about everything. Oddly, I don’t expect that I’ll ever be perfect in this, but I’m damn sure gonna try.
–JR
I hid myself from you
I couldn't stand to see me
From your point of view
I knew I'd disappoint you
–David Wilcox, ”How Did You Find Me Here?"
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