Day 696
I read early on in my recovery that being abused as a child does not mean that you will become a sex addict, but if you are a sex addict, the chances are near 100% that there was abuse in your childhood. I've since read several studies on the connection between trauma of various kinds and subsequent addictions, but I don't think that's the point here. Or maybe it is.
It is difficult for me to connect the dots between whatever the hell happened decades ago and the wrongful, hurtful things I've done as an adult. Of course, there are also the seasons between my childhood and adulthood that fill my memories with the incredulity of hindsight. And I don't think I've genuinely faced all those stupid and compulsive things I did, and the way I hid them in the shadows of thinking everyone was doing those things. They weren't. I was, and the scars still flare in ways I can rarely anticipate.
So the point I'm dancing around is this: when the past tries sneaking up on me, I react with isolation, distance, and wherever else I go in self-defense. I'm trying to learn new ways to respond, but that's difficult when I don't see it coming and can be several days in the spiral before acknowledging anything is wrong. Even worse, I can be in one of these spaces, and not have any idea why. My sponsor says it's a flag that something needs working on.
I hear guys talk about returning and revisiting their defects or amends or even their first step when these moments appear. I'm resisting that for some reason, and I do not know why. I don't know what's been bothering me the past couple of days, but I've not been easy to live with. It's a little frightening.
I wish I had a warm-fuzzy to end this entry, but sometimes the struggles continue past the point when we want them to go away. I don't think I'm on the precipice of a relapse of anything more than being passive-aggressive, but that's not acceptable, especially after several weeks of believing I'd never feel like this again.
–JR
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