Day 333
There is a difference between "accepting with grace" those wrongs done against us, and just pushing crap down, so you look civil. A big difference.
Accepting and forgiving requires dealing with what's happened, having hard conversations, recognizing the role each played, and maybe some good counseling to guide the trek. Only then can we own our actions and move on to healthy relationships, whether that is with the same person or someone yet unknown.
When I said 'goodbye' to my addict, it opened up frightening possibilities. Even though everyone I love wants me to stop the acting out and supported everything I do for that, I am now admitting things to myself that I can't take back; things that can fundamentally change me. And I realize, perhaps more than the others, that they may not be so crazy about the 'new person' that emerges. It's a risk. A big risk.
Not getting well is not a risk; we know what happens there and that destruction of everything we care about is just over the horizon, but at least it's certain. This recovery stuff has moments around every step that could still take us that way or seem just as painful in the short term. But it also has great potential. Great risks, great rewards.
Some of this entry is self-cheerleading; some of it is hope; some of it is whistling past the graveyard. Most of it is true.
Recovery is better, but it is still hard. Every day, it seems.
–JR
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