Day 343
In my recovery, bad days with those I love do not seem to have expiration dates; they are not exempt from the consequences of my behaviors. The bad nights are the worst. As I've suggested before, the only thing worse would be not having these horrible moments at all because one of us stopped trying. We want to understand our pain, and we want answers that we can cling to while sorting through our futures.
The idea of just doing the work and trusting our Higher Power with the outcome is foreign to addicts in particular, but it is oddly in contrast to most religious movements, particularly among evangelicals. The conflict is not with the Gospel, it is with those of us who want to 'accomplish big results' for God, instead of just being His children and trusting our Abba to work things to HIS good, and thereby to ours.
Our culture teaches that we are useless without the achievements that can be demonstrated on a spreadsheet, and that it is our Christian duty to buy into the American Dream of always getting more. Both are anathema to my addict's tasks to listen and be thankful. If God can help me, then he can help me without limits. If God loves me, He will do the right things, and I have to learn better every day to trust that and to rest my future and my present in his hands.
–JR
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