Day 351
"Belonging" has not been common to my experience. I've never really thought much about it in that context, but from my days of paranoia, through my days as a 'rising star,' through years of being the boss, I was always different than the 'other kids.'
When I ask myself about belonging to something — being securely embraced by a circumstance — the memories are few. It does describe the feeling I had when I was a DJ on the radio; I belonged there. Of course, 'there' was a virtual reality where I had precious little interaction with real people. Then there's my motorcycle. I've taken some long bike rides — 10 days to three weeks — and I, unfortunately, felt like I belonged there, in the saddle, on the road.
The fact is that most of my sense of feeling that I 'belonged' was when I was alone, whether working on the computer or adventuring around the world or just sitting and thinking. When I was acting out was the worst; I knew I didn't belong in that world, and that I was cutting myself out of the world I wanted, and that I was putting the world of my image entirely at risk. There I felt like I belonged to hell; I guess at least that's something.
Now I'm being told that I don't have to accept that as my reality. Not only can I learn to not act out on my addiction, but through radical honesty and working my program and truly trusting my higher power, I can belong to something. Yes, that might include a bunch of addicts, but the voices I'm hearing say I can also belong to my family, community, and human experience without fear or guilt.
My God, I would like that.
–JR
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