Day 355
Although I rarely speak openly about either, resentment and self-pity are the two most significant pieces of pre-addictive behavior I’m aware of. Isolation is a biggie, but I count that more as early-addictive acting-in, rather than pre-addictive acting-out. It’s when I have felt sorry for myself or angry about some perceived wrong against me that I have been most likely to isolate and get myself in trouble, or at least into a dangerous place.
I’m beginning to think that even my crazy history of ubiquitous fantasy is a result of me telling myself that because of my lack of the kind of sex I wanted, I deserved the kind of sex I could get. That included sex that was fake, imagined, easy, always available, and with someone who wanted me.
I did not have to violate the Ten Commandments to get it as long as I kept it between myself and in between my ears. So, as I’m trying to be sober, I guess I need to think more about those things than the things I’ve committed in the real world; whether they be triggers or warning signs, I need to be able to recognize old habits, and I need to be strong enough to tell them to go to hell.
Comprehending the truth, that what I was pursuing was unavailable, is both humbling and critical. Even more, I'm learning that the someone who wanted me was the bride of my youth, and I abandoned her along with those other valuables when I gave in to my addict. I must be vigilant and guard against the smallest steps that take me back into that darkness.
I don’t have to worry about being strong enough to do this for the rest of my life, which is a relief; I just have to be strong enough for today. And I am.
–JR
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