Day 252
I've never had a problem recognizing my inconsistencies and contradictions. It was always my job to conquer or hide them, but it was never acceptable to accept them. I think I equated this with sin, with the apostle Paul's struggle of "I know what I should do, but I don't do it."
My addict brain used this against me when I was acting out by proclaiming, "This is the real you; this is who you really are. Don't feel guilty; you are finally who you were meant to be." I never believed it, but I certainly leaned into it, and it became part of my comfort, even part of easing the guilt and pain of acting out.
So now, how do I go back to the rest of my life and say it's okay to 'accept my contradictions?' This dilemma is right up there with changing political parties or even religions. It is part of my foundational core that I can overcome my imperfections and be — or seem to be — the Good Son, the Loving Husband, the Best Man.
Even as I'm writing this, I'm asking myself whether accepting my contradictions won't make me more vulnerable to relapsing, to acting out again. If I'm accepting that part of me that faces temptation and fights urges, won't that allow them into my life more regularly?
Perhaps I am misunderstanding the intent of accepting my defects. Or, maybe I am still listening to my friend that would use these fears and my still-thriving desire to be the 'Perfect One' against me.
–JR
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