Day 619
For more than a year, I spent an hour or more every day working in my journal, which included posts or essays or meditations or whatever they are. All of those were written without any anticipation of them ever seeing the light of day. They were written to myself, to my Addict, to my Higher Power, and sometimes to an unknown eye because the pain of confession was too difficult to know for whom it was intended.
Since I decided to share my words and prayers on the web, and maybe eventually into a book or some other form, I am conscious of the temptation to pontificate as if I am wise, as though I am God's appointed pen to the world of addiction. As with most temptations, that is dangerously evil and would be destructive thinking for me.
There is something very humbling about being anonymous. One of my few dreams throughout my life has been to be published. To write something that could significantly help or entertain someone else, and then maybe to be recognized at the Oscars when the film version wins Best Picture. But right now, it appears like the most significant writing project of my life will be under someone else's name, and a fictitious name at that. It is also exhilarating.
One of the problems I've always had that has gotten me into trouble more than a few times is the need to not offend people and to be liked for what I have to say. The unfortunate result has too often been saying things that people want to hear, which is too often not the truth, not even my truth.
For the first time in my written life, I can be completely honest relative to what people will think about me. If they don't like what I put down on the screen or the paper, they can go read something else.
There is a metaphor here. It seems common to me that many of my addict friends have invested too much of their lives in saying what others wanted to hear; it's not just me. If this project serves only as my therapy to help break that habit, then good for me. And thanks for playing along.
On the other hand, my prayer is that my truth will at least speak into your situation so that your road to your recovery will be honest and not alone. That would be enough.
–JR
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