Day 254
For most of my life, I have fought a persistent war with my thoughts. I have tried so many things to control my fantasies that somewhere along the line, it was easier just to embrace a 'healthy' level and rationalize its benefits instead of resisting its sinful nature.
I always presumed it was a spiritual battle; it never dawned on me that this might be chemical in nature, that it might actually be beyond my ability to change things on my own. I don't know where the line was or when the magic moment occurred. Somewhere in the process of telling my story and hearing other people tell their stories, the impossibility of not thinking about what I did not want to think about has become possible. There is still much to do to strengthen those mental muscles so that the freedom and new views of my mind do not become lost in relapse or weakness.
The good news is simple: I have already journeyed into unknown waters where I am no longer a slave to my mental addictions.
–JR
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