Day 623
I have always struggled with giving because giving is good, vs. giving because good people give. It has recently crossed my mind that this is consistent with my sexual addiction.
One of the contradictions of recovery is dealing with the presumption that I always want sex. This reasonable conclusion is a big problem in the healing going on in my marriage. I am not acting like a person with that problem, which may also translate that I am not showing my wife the physical affection that someone like me surely uses to demonstrate their love. How can I be a sex addict if I am not addicted to constantly seeking sex?
Explaining this has been tricky, and I still haven't found the words that satisfy me, but I wonder how much of my acting out was using sex to get the attention and approval of others, as opposed to needing to receive sex to feed my addiction. I've asked similar questions before and have speculated that I've been using sex as currency to buy the love and affection I thought I wanted or needed or deserved or... whatever.
Stuff like this makes my hair hurt trying to figure it out while trying not to overthink the obvious.
I do not want to focus on this for the rest of my life unless that's what it takes to stay sober. Today I will focus and give tomorrow to my Higher Power.
–JR
Comments