Day 624
I am trying so hard to earn my way back to the status of 'good person.' I am trying to deserve the love and grace that has been shown me by my family and the few friends that know my secret. I am still trying to help God not be embarrassed to say He knows me. Yes, I know that these are not the correct things to believe in recovery. For one thing, there is nothing I can do to make up for the bad I have been. And that whole part about me "...trying to help God..." is just silly without even finishing the sentence. But that's how it feels. Every time I disappoint someone over anything, I have this rush of emotion that I've finally screwed the pooch. If I'm good, I will not disappoint. That's been my operating theory for as long as I can remember. No wonder I went off the rails. I can see it. Recovery has taught me so much about healthier thinking, and I am trying to be honest in the steps and faithful to the process. But I would not be honest to not admit this attempt to earn my way back into my own good graces, much less anyone else's. At the same time, when I go back and read from my journal entries of a year ago, I am astonished at the progress. I don't know whether it would be evident to an outside observer, but the differences in thought, logic, shame, emotion, and even style are good reminders to me that I am on a journey. My ticket is punched for the long-haul, and all I have to do is keep showing up every day and put in the effort. Every day. Including today.
–JR
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