Day 262
The self-centered nature of “daring to be myself” — both in my understanding and in the expectations of people in my life who need me to meet their preferences — is one of the major contradictions in my recovery, and in my life. I do not feel welcome to be honest with my routine reactions, and the experience of arguing with myself in an effort to deliver the ‘right’ answer to straightforward questions, quickly escalates to challenge the more significant decisions and personas. It also seems ridiculous to say I’m always thinking of other people’s reactions and needs regarding my behavior in light of my already confessed horrors of the most selfish, hurtful years of my life. If my acting-out self is my “true self,” then I swear I’ll just go ahead and put myself out of everyone’s misery now. But the question still lingers as to who the NON-acting-out “me” gets to be. Is there a new me emerging, or is my path just to find a safer, healthier way to get back to what everyone else expects of me. I fear the worst — crawling back into a shell of safety — but will continue to strive for a better world that welcomes new courage and rewards undefended truth.
–JR
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