Day 628
Damn it. I forgot. Again. A moment snuck up on me today and threw my good afternoon into a self-pitying, self-loathing downward spiral. It doesn't matter what it was, it was just life, and I'm pretty sure it will happen again. That's not the problem. I forgot to give it to my Higher Power. It just never crossed my freaking mind. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and angry at someone else. I forgot to employ the tools that I've learned to use in such situations — not the things that keep me from acting out sexually, but the things that helped me become a better man. I did think about calling my sponsor but decided I really didn't want to talk about this recurring theme again. So instead, I muscled through. Except I didn't. It was not clear to me that I was doing this until I sat down to do my daily reading and writing. Today's reading started with a quote from page 30 of the SAA Green Book:
"This profound surrender of old beliefs, habits, and behaviors is something we learn to renew every day."
I forgot to surrender. More specifically, I surrendered to the wrong thing, the wrong part of me that wants to stop thinking and talking and get back to normal life. You know, the life before 12-Step meetings. Well, that's just stupid. So let's regroup and say a little prayer for serenity, courage, and wisdom. Today is not the day I lose my sobriety, but it's the kind of day when I could. If I ever do, it would likely be something like this that pushes me over. And I'm not talking about the trigger; I'm talking totally about my reaction and my unwillingness to share this with a brother. This has been a little bit scary.
–JR
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