Day 313
It took many years of routine isolation before I crossed the line into addictive sex with other people. Connecting those dots has been increasingly easier, and increasingly more painful. I do not want to return to the acting out at all, but I am still pulled toward isolation; whether it's a function of personality or the best tool my addict brain has to keep hold of me, I don't know, but it is difficult. I don't want to admit how hard it is to avoid 'harmless' isolation because:
I think it is hurtful to those who want to be with me, specifically and understandably my wife, and
because I am very much aware that isolation is my gateway drug. There are several other defense lines I would have to cross before getting back into my 'inner circle' behaviors, but they are all subject to my isolation patterns.
I'm at a point in working my 12-steps that I think I'll be dealing with this more directly. I am eager to learn about the whys and wherefores of this force of nature that stands ready to bring me down, and what do I do to actively fight it — or release it, as I'm often told is more important than fighting it. Either way, isolation is the comfort food of dealing with my life, and it is hard to imagine permanently giving up Whoppers and extra crispy KFC. But even there in the culinary disciplines, I would live such a healthier life with a little more restraint.
–JR
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