Day 682
I do not want to write today. I am 100% not in the freaking mood.
It started with an early morning SAA meeting that sent me from
”I don’t need to be here listening to this pablum of recovery“ to ”Holy Crap, these guys are stepping all over my self-righteous toes.”
That trip took about 5 minutes. It was a great meeting. The painful ones usually are.
Then, within moments of greeting my wife after her morning walk, she had something she needed to talk about. It triggered me into the hell of self-pity, and another damn reminder that I’ve got a lot further to go in my recovery than I sometimes want to believe. Her need to chat was legit, and I’m truly glad she dove right in, but it still sucks being reminded of my imperfections.
And as if those two things are not enough, my meditation reading today includes a line from a fellow addict that I’ve been trying to articulate for months:
“The phrase 'progress not perfection' refers to my spiritual growth through the Steps. It is not a way for me to rationalize occasionally acting out over the years. Being gentle with myself does not mean deluding myself. Long-term abstinence is achievable, a day at a time...”*
Great. Thanks. Go away...
I can easily slip into the self-congratulatory thinking that says as long as I keep my Levis zipped up and my Firefox away from the porn sites that I’m healthy. Hell, I’m almost cured. I never say that to myself, but that good feeling I get about me during a few weeks of being a good human is seductive. Wherever seduction is at work, my addict tends to show up.
So instead of pontificating today on the virtues of the program, I’m just going to sit here and wallow in my aches and pains.
It’s probably good that I’m acknowledging all this; there was certainly a time when I would have gone silent for days trying to sort out what I just said in a couple of paragraphs above. I’ll take that progress, even though I prefer perfection.
Swinging and missing so many times can be exhausting, so I’m going to take a pass on writing a journal entry today...
–JR
*Sex Addicts Anonymous. Voices of Recovery. Health Communications Inc. Kindle Edition.
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