Day 321
Did I rely on sex as the touchstone of making sense of my life? That's a strange thought, but yes, it is consistent with where I was going: As long as I could get sex, even if it were just paying for an impersonal massage that might or might not include some sort of erotic component, life was balanced. At least for a day or two. For the affairs to make sense, I had to foster a relationship with the other person, as opposed to one-night stands. Or at least I assumed I did; I never had a so-called one-nighter as the idea of that seemed somehow disgusting, at least compared to whatever this other thing was I was doing. If it didn't hurt so much to think about my conflicting thinking, I could laugh at its absurdity. Or maybe I was just psycho! These thoughts set me back. I think that's because they make me remember the depths to which I'd gone and make me doubt that I could ever really crawl out of a hole that deep. But I am a little closer to the top today than I was yesterday, and if I can say that tomorrow about today and every day after that, I have a chance. That's all I'm asking for... a chance... and that whole 'take this addiction and shove it' thing.
–JR
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