Day 503
That 'great American novel' that I have been working on for a couple of decades has been a tremendous release for me. Especially in recovery, I can look back on my characters and see my inner searches playing out in their inconsistencies and surprise twists.
Even though I've gone years between writing sessions, these people of my soul often dwell in my thoughts as I recall their actions and wonder about their futures. I am eager to get to know them again and to see how my recent experiences will be expressed in their lives and their struggles.
I am also living their experiences in my life, not just my experiences in theirs. I am changing. I must change to repair hurts and grow spiritually. But I wonder how my life might be different if I had been more open to change in the first place.
I cringe at the memories of how hard I fought to hide my fluctuating philosophies and frustrating reactions to the changes others were forcing on me, or offering to me. Embracing the fact that my world will never be the same as it was is simultaneously terrifying and rectifying. It's also just a simple reality of growing up and adapting to an environment that is no longer as it was, and probably was never what I thought in the first place.
All I have is what is in my life right now. Too many words have been written about leaving the past in the past and not worrying about the future. I've never believed either could be fulfilled with vigor; now, I'm learning to do just that.
–JR
The following is an entirely fictional account.
Any similarities between people living or dead is entirely
Coincidental… just kidding.
–MC Lars, ”Rapgirl"
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