Day 460
As I've said before, I'm weary and wary of ongoing internal investigations into my past and my psyche. The only thing I'm more tired of is the damn addict living in my brain and fed by the histories and hysterics of my life. So I'll trudge on, sometimes because I see the value, and sometimes because I see the change in other people.
One of the most conflicting expectations that come my way through meetings and readings is this honesty-in-emotions dictum. Perhaps it is no wonder that I found it so easy to lie about acting out and other, more innocuous things. My emotional honesty has been lacking for as long as I remember. More than a few people have said that I'm a moody person, but that seems to include only a good mood and a funky mood, not much in-between.
I hate being angry just a little bit more than I hate showing how angry I can be. I feel I have no right to be hurt, so when I am hurt, I rarely find a way to communicate that, except through passive-aggressiveness. I do want to experience the freedom that emotional honesty promises. I need that. I doubt that I will ever be 'healthy' until I free myself from that image of a man without negatives. And that will be easier once I truly understand that I'm the only one that's ever believed that about me, anyway.
–JR
I looked into the muddy water and what could I see?
I saw a lonely, lonely face just lookin' back at me
Tears in his eyes and a prayer on his lips
–Pat Boone, ”Moody River"
Comments