Day 831
Things sneak up on me. I suspect every addict would have life-examples of being kicked off-kilter by unexpected circumstances or desires, but I'm not talking about that.
Scars surprise me. Random reminders of painful moments in my life trigger me. Usually, when I don't see them coming, my reaction is emotional. Depression is a constant companion that wants to remind me of its power, and those days — like yesterday — allow it to do just that.
Today is my brother's birthday. It snuck up on me, but it didn't. He hasn't been around to remind me himself for a couple of decades. My brother died quite unexpectedly, and while he's haunted me for many years, I've never figured out the rhymes in the verses of grief. Anticipating these emotions has proven to be an uneasy task, so they keep sneaking up on me.
Yesterday I identified a toxin release as the reason for my crappy day, and I still think that is a legit part of it, but the thing about sneakers is that you can't hear them coming, and they're really good at working with other situations to amuse and confuse. It's rarely just a single thing that sets me off as much as it is one thing on top of another. I woke up this morning remembering the day I went from being the younger brother to being the older one, and that earlier day when I became an only child.
I don't think this has anything to do with my recovery, except that it does. This is part of life. It's a sad part with painful memories, but it's all part of who I am today, and I can either whine about it and wish it wasn't true, or I can find a way to release it while appreciating whatever parts of this particular event that have touched me at deep places. I can deny its reality and sulk without reason, or I can acknowledge the sadness without letting it define me or this day.
I think I'm rambling here. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes bad days are the results of ill-health. Sometimes life is just doing what life does, and I make things worse by wishing it would only do things the way I want.
I miss my brother, but he would be chagrined to know his memory was threatening my sobriety, so I'll say it again... not today.
Sometimes life's a beach, and then we dive. It's a good day for a swim.
–JR
I miss my brother more than ever before
I wish we could have just one more drink
What I would give for you to watch me sing
Mom and Dad yeah I know they're proud
But I would rather have you here right now
–American Authors, ”Mind Body Soul"
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