Day 438
'Ubiquitous' is the only word that describes my mental sex life for as long as I have memories. I fought it off-and-on for years before giving in to the presumption that it was normal.
As long as I kept it inside it was all okay, even self-medicinal at some level. Right?
I've learned the hard way that this was just not true. Like other pain-killers, it took more and more to reach the same level of relief. Eventually, the addict burst through the barrier between fantasy and reality, and the death spiral began.
My ability for any creative expression declined dramatically as the acting out increased. Looking back, I can see that it was a self-feeding cycle of depression and acting out that contributed to my creative vacuum. It was also made worse that my only creative exercise was in how clever I thought I was with my lying and manipulation.
My hunger to create is returning as I work through the program. My writing is encouraging more of that as well as answering the need. Life is returning. It's not all goody-goody-gumdrops, but it is life, not death.
It is living, not dying.
–JR
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