Day 809
I catch myself judging my fellow addicts in 12 Step meetings. Much of the bias from my growing up, the standard cultural 'tapes' recorded at an early age, is a big part of it. Pre-judging based on socio-economic standards and presumptions are part of it. But what really bothers me is how quick I still am to think poorly of the fellows when they share something from their addiction.
My impatience may be the death of me. I want to be fully recovered, and I want it today. It's just the truth. I know better, and I make decisions every day that reflect my program over my preferences, but that little sneaky judgment addict is in cahoots with my sexual addict.
I am broken. That does not mean that I have no value or even less value than my neighbor, who is living (presumably) a righteous life. But if I had admitted my brokenness years ago and sought help, so much pain and misery could have been avoided. And by now, I would hope, I might have conquered that part of me that still determines the value of a person on how they look, how they talk, how they share, what they drive, and whether they like me.
There I go again.
As long as it is me fighting the fight on my own strength and trying to correct all these defects, my long-term recovery chances are minimal. It is my spirit that is broken, not my... not any other part of me. The more I try to fix my non-physical issues with battles in the world of stuff and appearances, I fear I will ultimately fail. That is unacceptable.
To be clear, failing is not what's unacceptable. I fail every day at one thing or another. Putting a line in the sand indicating a failure from which I cannot get up is not reasonable. What is unacceptable is my inclination to work on the wrong problems, or maybe it's more that I work the wrong way on the right problems. Those misdirections are sometimes born of finding myself on the wrong path for various reasons that may or may not be of my doing. But most of the time, I have an opportunity to make decisions not to go to a massage parlor, not contact the wrong people, not visit sites and sights that will trigger my addiction; those are decisions I can make. Those are acceptable tasks that I can succeed at, with the help of my Higher Power. I want to think it is my Higher Power that is giving me the insights into my defects instead of just taking them away. I hope it is my Higher Power that guides my thoughts and my recognitions, even those that cause me pain in the process and in the progress.
Forgive me for judging my fellow addicts; they deserve better than my self-righteous stink-eye.
And here's the real thing: Me judging other addicts does nothing to hurt them; it only hurts me. Being uncomfortable with people I've come to appreciate and rely on serves only to highlight my own weaknesses and wallow in my own shortcomings.
I choose to stop doing those things on purpose. I'm convinced these defects have been part of my defense, and I'm convinced I can let them go as part of my conscious thinking. The rest I'll trust God to handle.
Man, this is hard.
–JR
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