My Amend to Sex Workers
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November 13 • Day 492
To all the ‘Massage’ providers I have met:
A few years ago, I lost touch with my values and began visiting mostly Asian massage parlors in the hope of finding more than was advertised on the door. Most of the time, I found it, especially once I learned to tell the difference between the legitimate providers and those ready to do whatever for a good tip. Somewhere along the way, this ‘new me’ also began a series of affairs and other illicit behaviors until my sanity was at risk, as well as my family and career. A little over a year ago, I began seeking help, and the subsequent diagnosis that I am a sex addict was as shocking as it was clinical. Since then, I have been working with a therapist and others to get to a place of healthy thinking and better choices. I have paid a high price for my conduct, but my consequences have been much less than many other people I’ve come to know in this healing process. For example, I was never arrested for paying for sex, while others have been, some very publicly.
During all this, I had very little thought for the women performing the services for which I was paying, except to give you all a rating based on how good you made me feel. This letter is for you.
I know you may be perfectly fine doing what you do as a sex worker. I also know that at least some of you may be trapped in situations where you think you have no choice; you need the money. And perhaps some of you are victims of human trafficking or other forms of forced labor. The idea that even one of you was giving me momentary pleasures while struggling against evil forces or personal demons… well, it is horrific to me that I could be part of such a thing.
Several times I have seen the ‘sleeping rooms’ in the back of spas that meet the descriptions of what recent media reports say are the trappings of the trapped, which means the chances are good that I’ve violated some of you in the name of easing my own pain. Through the willing blindness of my addiction, it never even dawned on me that what I was doing was illegal until a moment of clarity after I committed to working a recovery program. My crimes were bad enough, but contributing to potential legal consequences for you is much worse.
None of you have gone out of business because I stopped paying for your services 2-3 times a week, so it’s not realistic for me to take on all the burden and guilt for your circumstances. But if I caused one of you to suffer for one minute doing something for me out of coercion or someone taking advantage of you… that’s two minutes too long.
I’m so sorry.
-Johnny R
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